I heard a girl's testimony that Dana had read me some the other day from one of her teacher's at Oak Mountain. The woman had twin boys ten years ago, but one of them, James, (coincidentally like Dana's 'James') hadn't made it. In what was read, I felt that she had a perspective of losing her son, that was exactly how I feel for Layah. Basically, she said that all parents want their children to become successful in life and do great things and to be happy. So what if our children, that stepped into eternity so quickly, his/her purpose was to help direct someone, even just one person's path to salvation? How much more successful can a life be?....leading someone else to eternity with our Lord and Savior? What if our stories of our brief time with our children, our loss, our hurt, our grief, our pain, yet our Hope and Peace and strengthened faith and passion to help comfort other moms to grow in our own walk....was directing some one's path towards salvation, knowingly or unknowingly? What if it was bringing a believer in pain the reassurance of Hope that they'd forgotten through their own trials? I would say that being a part of that story, a part of that testimony makes our children's lives more successful and important than many that live for decades and accomplish very little that matters in eternity. I truly believe that if I continue to share my story, our story, of Tobi, Layah, Luke, and maybe a child to come, that that is fulfilling Layah's life and possibly mine!
So, we had a great trip to the beach, along with mom, celebrating both Layah's short life and also Granny's long and wonderful life, yet both seemed too short to us. Seeing the little girls in their little bathing suites with their wet pigtails or ponytails giggling and splashing about made me remember just another event that we'd not get to share with Layah, but maybe, just maybe, they were meant for Arwyn. Matt mentioned several times, "you want a little girl don't you? How bad?? really bad?" He wasn't objectionable, just remembering how much that longing for our little girl, that I saw the vision of even before Layah, is still inside me.
I did today going through her things, her hand prints on the tiny cards, her tiny BP cuff, her eye covers for the bili lights, all the things in her memory box that are just sweet reminders of her having been with us. Then I opened her blankets, her beanie bags that held her tiny body in place of my womb, the beanie baby bear that was near her and kept with the blankets sealed in a bag in the closet. I got the bear and out and held it to my nose and sniffed.....it smelled like baby lotion-the smell that I last had of her, it covering her. The smell I smelled when they took her and cleaned her and dressed her for me to hold her, without tubes, without monitors, just mommy holding her daughter. I just lost it and wept. How? How after 3 years can it still smell so strongly? How after 3 years, is the smell of baby lotion not yet bareable for me? But, it is not. I havent had to smell it because I made sure that no one bought any of it for Luke. That smell was not sweet, but a painful reminder of her having been with us only for what seemed like an instant. But as you know, I am glad so many got to meet her and share our time with her and know she was real. She was here with us. And yes, if the Lord asked me, "Mika, if you had to go through everything again, just for the short time you had with her and in order to have Luke, would you do it again?" YES! Yes I would. So, I got through it, and went back into the living room, to my sleeping toddler, my gorgeous, blonde-haired, blue-eyed, precious, mama's boy toddler, Luke. And I remembered, that thought, I would do it all over again, if that's what I had to go through, to be given time with Layah, to have Luke and.......Arwyn too. :)