Friday, May 28, 2010
Psalm 31:1-16 (New International Version)
In you, O LORD, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame; deliver me in your righteousness. Turn your ear to me, come quickly to my rescue; be my rock of refuge, a strong fortress to save me. Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me. Free me from the trap that is set for me, for you are my refuge. Into your hands I commit my spirit; redeem me, O LORD, the God of truth. ..... I trust in the LORD. I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul. You have not handed me over to the enemy but have set my feet in a spacious place. Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief. My life is consumed by anguish and my years by groaning; my strength fails because of my affliction, and my bones grow weak. Because of all my enemies, I am the utter contempt of my neighbors; I am a dread to my friends— those who see me on the street flee from me. I am forgotten by them as though I were dead; I have become like broken pottery. .....But I trust in you, O LORD; I say, "You are my God." My times are in your hands; deliver me from my enemies and from those who pursue me. Let your face shine on your servant; save me in your unfailing love " I didn't ever get to meet him, but from what I can tell, they're relationship had it's problems. Johanna told me that they had always had a "volatile" relationship, is how she phrased it. Matt and I have our share of fights, but I'd never say it's "volatile". She's in a very dark place right now. From all she's told me about the days and weeks preceding this discovery, Scott had been a bit sneaky and scheming. My heart breaks for her. She feels that she's just wasted 5 years of her life with him. At first I felt that he'd left because of the baby thoughts consuming Johanna but it doesn't seem to be just that. The whole situation is just bad. He told her that if she didn't make it difficult, he'd take care of her financially! I told her, given her fertility difficulties, she better make him pay for egg harvesting since she knows she'll have to do IVF anyway, if she remarries later on, which I think she would. It sure would have been weird if I had run into him when I went for my follow up appointment with, Juan, the cardiologist in his group.
Speaking of that visit, let me tell you how it went. I just knew it was going to be a waste of time and money. That I'd get there and be told, "yes, you had a panic attack. There's nothing wrong with your heart, " BUT he came in and said I have a PFO Patent Foramen Ovale, which is a hole in the left and right atria of the heart. A patent foramen ovale (PFO) allows blood to bypass the lungs. A baby's lungs are not used when it grows in the womb, so the hole does not cause problems in an unborn infant. The opening is supposed to close soon after birth, but sometimes it does not. In about 1 out of 3 or 4 people, the opening never closes. So apparently it's pretty common. He thinks it might be related to my migraines. There is some controversy over this idea, but both have supporting arguments. He gave me some beta blockers to take if I experience any of those same symptoms I felt that day. It's a bit scary since there is no real treatment, or no prospect to close it, unless you have a STROKE caused by a blood clot to the BRAIN! So that's comforting.... well, Juan said to make sure to let Dr. Rothrock know about this when I go and see him-in OCTOBER for all my headaches and migraines. So, who would have thought? Of course it would be me!
Luke has had the croup and currently double ear infections. I had to take him today since we are heading to the beach on Memorial Day, Monday. I'm looking forward to being on the beach to celebrate Layah's birthday. It's gonna be a bit emotional and challenging, but being able to see some of God's beauty, knowing how beautiful she was and is, will be very comforting. Sunday, during the Q& A series we've been having, one of the questions someone asked was, why do women have miscarriages or lose babies, and I just lost it as Pastor Chris' father in law explained how he and his family had first hand experience with this twice, with Tammy's sister's babies. It just came upon me like a rushing wave, and caught me off guard. I just felt such a loss, such a part of me missing at that time. My longing and aching heart's memory came flooding back. As I've said before, grief apparently is a life long journey. I will be on it until I meet my precious baby girl. Having Luke and knowing his disposition and what a happy baby he is reminds me how much not only He loves me, but how much sweet Layah loves us, to give up her spot here with us, so that Luke could come. Wow!
Friday, May 14, 2010
In talking to Johanna, having Dana round up the prayer warriors, and in talking with Amber, I think she's on a better page today. Amber can really relate more to Johanna's infertility than I can. Amber actually is celebrating her 36th birthday tomorrow! So, Johanna still has time. Amber said she'd fought infertility for 6 years before getting pregnant. Johanna, I dont think, has been trying quite that long. I'm keeping all the emails she and I shared so when she brings home-probably multiples,- she's gonna look back and realize that His plan has always been better than hers. Johanna said that Scott doesnt talk about his emotions but she said that she can tell when he's really depressed. I pray that they will comfort and encourage one another. When talking to Johanna about her trip to Maryland on the 21st to consult with the doctor she's chosen to have the IVF with, I asked her how she found him. She said that she ran across a blog and this woman had had similar problems and in talking with her by email, she felt very positive about this doctor. I assured Johanna that finding this doctor, was no coincidence. I know He has a plan for her, she just has to know she must trust Him.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Today is Mother's Day and I'm am so truly blessed to have Tobi and Luke & our precious Layah waiting on us in heaven. I'm also truly blessed to have such an amazing Mom, Grandmother and Mother-in-Law. I would never have been able to ask God for a more godly mother and grandmother. Although we've only been close for about the last 10 years, I know her love for me has always been unconditional and everything she's done for me, has always been to try and direct my steps towards our Heavenly Father.
Late this afternoon, I got a text from Johanna telling me that she had started her period today. Of all days, today, Mother's Day. She said, "there cannot be a God who would allow me to have 2 miserable Mother's Day when everyone we know is celebrating. No hope." I'm praying that the Lord will give me words to say when I respond to her tomorrow. I can only imagine her disappointment, but I've told her of so many stories where women were told they would never have children, or they experienced several losses and are now mothers, and reminded her of Hannah, Samuel's mother, and the woman with the bleeding disorder and have tried to encourage her faith, but I'm worried. I don't know how strong her faith was before she lost the twins, and I'm afraid how her heart may respond to this trial. I'm sure that the Lord is going to bless her with a child, but I'm afraid that because it's about HIS timing and not hers, she may not reap the full blessing from Him if she loses hope.